Hmmm...Blog

It's about time I did something with this, isn't it?
Today has been a day of speculation. I'm thinking about just not leaving Chicago. Really. I paid my first bill today. I'm feeling more adult by the second. The option was pay the bill or have my phone service suspended.
But seriously, I could leave my entire life behind right now and start a new one here. I could start looking for places, or live on-campus at Columbia for a semester, meeting people. I could go to Amsterdam tomorrow and spend all my money on hookers and blow. I am so young.
I could go to LA.
I could go to New York.
I don't really want to go to any of those other places, not just yet. I'm settling in here quite nicely.
It does get lonely, though, sometimes. It could. I need more friends.
Oh god, I'm looking at apartments on craigslist. I don't even have a job. Yet. If I get this housecleaning gig that could change.
That's right, Chicago, get ready. Cynthia Spencer will clean your house for you. All you have to do is pay her adequately and treat her nice.

I really really want this. It's hard, wanting something like this which is so scary, which was so not a part of the game plan. What if Columbia won't give me any money?
If I go back to Beloit, even for a semester, will I lose momentum? Will I lose track of the few contacts I've made here? Will I get lulled back into that safety net, that illusion of security?
None of that is real.
And there's a cheap 2br in Ukrainian Village right by Carly's place, like on the same street. Who will take the second bedroom?

At moments like these, the entire universe seems to collapse in on itself and I can't even really believe what I'm contemplating.
I can just move to Chicago? Just, like, do it?
I'm already here. I already did. It's just a matter of staying.
Jesus Christ, I'm going in circles.