The Internet Will Break Your Heart

I wrote this last night when I was bored and pissed off about being robbed and felt like being profane.

Lauren says: hey
what are you doing?
Julia says: the guy i fucked this weekend has an atrocious profile pic
Lauren says: what’s his info like?
Julia says: i don’t know i didn’t friend him
Lauren says: DO IT
Julia says: it wasn’t that kind of thing
i’ve been trying to masturbate all day but i can’t do it unless i’m high
Lauren says: you don’t have any weed?
Julia says: no he smoked it all
bad decisions
Lauren says: right
what number is this one?
Julia says: 14
13 was way unlucky
Lauren says: naturally
Julia says: why did you call me yesterday?
Lauren says: i was lonely
and bored
Julia says: waaah waah
Lauren says: i know. Brian left his red label in my room and i was drinking it alone
Julia says: oh in that case i’m sorry i didn’t pick up
Lauren says: fuck you
why can’t you masturbate?
Julia says: i don’t fucking know and it’s driving me crazy
like i can start and i’m wet and everything but i just can’t keep going
it’s like i can’t face it alone
you probably don’t even remember what that’s like
Lauren says: i still masturbate
Julia says: yeah fuck you and your perfect boyfriend
Lauren says: whatever brian’s okay
Julia says: of course he is
i don’t want to talk about this anymore
where are you?
Lauren says: atomix
Julia says: nice their coffee’s so cheap
Lauren says: yeah and the barista gave me the wifi password for free cause i asked for soymilk
Julia says: maybe i should go vegan
Lauren says: of course you should
Julia says: but cruelty tastes so good
i’d only do it for the free shit from other vegans
Lauren says: we do watch out for our own
Julia says: fuck off
Lauren says: what is up with you today?
Julia says: i’m just sexually frustrated
don’t mind me
Lauren says: my teeth are fucked up
like i can taste blood in my mouth
Julia says: don’t worry about it just brush more
Lauren says: i think i have gingivitis
Julia says: do you have any weed?
Lauren says: yeah
Julia says: come over?
Lauren says: can’t, waiting for Brian
Julia says: oh that old fucking chestnut
Lauren says: lay off
it’s not my fault you can’t come
Julia says: so what’s up with your teeth?
Lauren says: my gums are pulling away from them
and i taste blood a lot
Julia says: shitty
you should get that checked out
Lauren says: yeah i haven’t been to the dentist in a while
are they as expensive as doctors?
i don’t have insurance
Julia says: yeah i think so
that sucks
Lauren says: yeah
what are you doing?
Julia says: wishing i had drugs
and avoiding working on my shitty story
Lauren says: what’s it about?
Julia says: this white trash married couple
they both work at a roadside burger stand in oklahoma
it’s super clichéd
she’s fucking the boss and gets pregnant
wants to run away
maybe she should kill him
Lauren says: which one?
Julia says: i don’t know i can’t decide which one she ends up choosing
Lauren says: maybe she goes off by herself
Julia says: gross
that’s such a fucking hollywood move
no one actually does that shit
Lauren says: okay, jesus
Julia says: fuck positive messages of female empowerment
Lauren says: just trying to help
look i gotta go
Brian’s here
Julia says: okay come over later?
Lauren is offline.

Julia looks around her bedroom. She should clean. She paces into the kitchen. She could do the dishes. She runs the water so hot it hurts, and she moves the sponge quickly. She thinks about her story. The first line is “the locals called it Jimmy’s.” Good, intriguing. It’s about the tourist trap, and the nobility of the buffalo, and...something else. Maybe Lauren was right, and it could be about freedom and independence. The thought of producing something so idealistic makes her think about barfing. Whatever, the story fucking sucks anyway. Maybe she should kill herself. She’s not serious, but thinking about it passes the time. She’d do it with pills. Of course. Everything’s clean too quickly. She thinks about just doing it again, but that’s too fucking depressing. She goes back to her computer.
She puts her hands on the keyboard to start typing some corny bullshit about this white-trash lady’s journey to herself or whatever but decides she really should clean this room. She put on the album she had just illegally downloaded, then decided to read the review of it on Pitchfork. Apparently the lead singer had been brought up in some kind of cult. She looked it up on Wikipedia. Heavy shit. A lot of the women were forced to work as prostitutes and they published kiddie porn. Whatever. It’s a good album. She goes back to Facebook. Her friend Joe put up a funny picture of him and his roommate playing with bubbles. She likes it. The smile on his face is so simple, so real. He’s laughing. It makes her want to laugh, but she doesn’t.
Oh right, she was going to clean. She collapses onto her bed and gets up three hours later when the doorbell rings.
It’s Lauren.
“You look like shit.”
“I haven’t left the house today.”
“What have you been doing?”
“Writing. Can I bum a cigarette?”
“Sure, where’s your bowl?”
“Right here. So, how’s Brian?”
“He’s getting a dog.”
“Aww, sweet.”
“I think he wants me to move in.”
“Hmm.”
“Yep.”
“Do you want to?”
“I don’t know, I mean it’s big.”
“Yeah, it is.”
“But I mean, he hasn’t brought it up yet. He was just really excited about the dog.”
“Cute.”
“Yeah.”
“What kind of dog is it?”
“Black lab.”
“Perfect for him.”
“Yeah.”
Eventually the bowl was done.
“I’m hungry.”
“I have macaroni and cheese.”
“Can’t eat it.”
“Sorry. I don’t have any milk anyway.”
“When was the last time you left this apartment?”
“I don’t need to. Fuck the rest of the world.”
“Where’s Nicole?”
“She’s in Denver for the week.”
“Oh cool.”
“Yeah, she’s....”
Blah blah blah, no one cares. Soon, Lauren will leave. Julia will finally clean her room and write a paragraph of exposition. She will find that she is no longer stoned and go to McDonald’s for two McDoubles and a vanilla milkshake. When she gets home, she’ll drink the forty she’s been saving in the fridge while watching reality television. Then she’ll take a bath and go to sleep, and dream of standing on a spinning platform while a potato peeler slowly removes her skin, in a perfect spiral, one long strip, and only when it reaches her feet will her guts finally fall out, spattering the walls and floor with bright red blood.


I remember really liking it at the time.

In other news, I've been really enjoying this album lately. Yes, it is the one from the story. It's pretty rare that I hear a new album that really grabs me and makes me want to listen to it over and over again. I'm not a music writer -- I don't know why this one does. It just does.